Cause and Effect

What the fuck am i living for??
I look at my self in the fuckin mirror and i feel sick.
I've achieved nothing, nothing that can actually make me feel useful.
I hate my fuckin self even more!!
I have no paper qualification, have no fuckin savings, working hard for just to pay off fuckin bills
This is not how it's supposed to be.. something fucked up and it's obviously me..
Am i here to waste the fuckin space or to fuck up people's lives??
I should be fuckin Satan then..
where's the cause for this effect??
Why should others suffere because of me??
i don't fuckin want it to happen at all but it somehow does happen to the people i care about the most...
People tell to forgive myself.. what the fuck are they talking about??
you don't pardon criminals? how do you expect to forgive yourself when the world doesn't forgive you??
and to add a bit more spice they got me fuckin married!! what did that poor girl do to deserve me??

It's enough.... there must be a fuckin resolve for all this..
One way or the fucking other.. something has to be done to stop all this.

The Broken Pencil

Looking through the eyes,
The emptiness filled with darkness,
The search within erupts a battle,
The battle for sanity in search of a lost cause,
To live a life from the life i seek,
Searching endlessly,
I found defeat,
My cause of existence,
a lie full of deceit,
The Broken Pencil,
life in complete

Should i live fake??

Thank god for computers.. or else i would be passed off as an illiterate..
(You can read but you can't write!!)
I scribble..literally scribble.. not 'blog' scribble but scribble scribble..
like a child's first piece of art..
you know like they say.. you are what you do??
Which 'Do" is the deciding factor that 'you' are defined to??
I sleep..Lazy.
I smoke..Smoker
I eat...Fat
I shit... ....
I watch movies.. movie buff
I listen to music..audiophile
I read books...book worm
I drink...alcholic
ETC ETC..

So like yeah and i'm supposed to be defined by the way i write??
It's true that i'm messy.. but when i wanna get things done.. i really will go to any extent to get it done... this trait.. it doesn't reflect anywhere in my handwriting.. then what??

Every other things come into account... from my hair style..to the sole of my shoe...
honestly when you look at me as if i wasn't there.
Girls and i.. we would be just friends and the furthest it would go to is being a local confidante..
nothing more... nothing more...so that explains why i settled for an arranged marriage

I just wanna know.. should i be really bothered about my dress sense or just continue being in my comfort clothes...

I see 'good-looking' people achieve alot.. but it's all fake..

Should i live fake?? have a fake name.. "Please call me Zach"

I really don't know where this is going but.. just for the sake of filling this void...

Adieu